Proverbs 16:21 ESV
The wise of heart is called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.
[https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+16%3A21&version=ESV]
I’ve been in an argument or two, in my time. Siblings like them, it turns out, and not just siblings. In those arguments, I generally feel myself to be entirely in the right, and I wonder why the other person doesn’t just recognize my rectitude and give in. Dimly, I suspect he’s aware of how wrong he is, and I resent him for that. Regardless, I press forward, throw out the same arguments I already tried, and find him just as unreceptive as ever. Now, sometimes I actually was right; assuredly at others I was not. What is important here is recognizing that being right often isn’t enough. When we’re in relationship with other people, communication requires us to take care, to suit our words to the circumstance and relationship, and to set aside our own egos.
Communication is a big issue. Today, therefore, we’re just going to take a stab at bits and pieces of it, some fundamentals. The first step of communication is having something to say. Ideally, we should consider what we intend to say with care commensurate to its importance- whether or not to get eggs doesn’t merit intense examination, usually, but planning to discuss a relationship-threatening grievance most definitely does. The first step, therefore, is to get all our ducks in order before we march out. Once we have something to say, though, the second step is the communication itself. Here, we must recognize and apply several truths.
First, other people have a different understanding of the world built on different facts run through different conscious and unconscious analytical patterns. It’s easy, for instance, to assume that somebody hurried off after a short discussion because they don’t actually like you, but quite possibly they simply got distracted by an old friend and discovered you gone by the time they could get back to you. We must never fall into the trap of assuming that another person has the same instinctive understanding of what we intend to discuss with them that we do. Often, they’ll be familiar with the issue, but even when I know the other guy knows what I’m talking about, I must remember that his knowledge has different emotions, different values, and a different perspective attached to it. He and I may know quite well that we have an issue to discuss, but his side of that issue and mine will be different (even if we end up on the same side against another party).
Applying this knowledge is complex. We will never know other people quite as well as we can know ourselves, and even there we’re deficient. So on the one hand, we must seek to understand those whom we would communicate with; on the other hand, we must maintain eyes of grace which shrink from taking offense. Pride in particular kills communication and relationship, so we must guard ourselves there. We must remember that there’s more to the story. Too often, of course, we know that the ‘more to the story’ isn’t enough. Just as we shouldn’t take offense too easily, so also we shouldn’t ignore warning signs.
Second, we must remember that what we hear ourselves saying is usually not what the other person hears us saying. I don’t mean that we’re incapable of enunciating our words sufficiently to be understood; no, I mean that everybody filters what they hear through a unique context, a unique circumstance and set of assumptions. If my sister tells me that she made dinner, but I’m in a bad mood, I can take that as her reproving me for being lazy, even if she had no such intent. In communication, therefore, the skill of hearing ourselves from the other side is immensely important. Apply that understanding of the other person to figure out what they hear you saying; further, apply it to figure out what they mean you to hear them saying, when they speak.
Third, we have to remember that everybody has emotions, and that those emotions affect both them and us. Yes, this is an obvious fact, but it’s one I too often lose sight of in the middle of a controversy, caught up in actually having the emotions. Applying this starts with us ourselves. I have emotions, and during arguments, they are prone to rise, with disastrous results. I must take care to put aside my own pride, my own fear, my own anger, and analyze the moral, relational, and practical aspects of the problem so that I respond in accordance with reality and God’s law, not my own whims.
Next, we look at the other guy, and we remember that he is going to be feeling stuff too. So we have to moderate our words in light of that, so he hears what we intend, without the distortion of anger or pride or offense. Sometimes this is not possible- once anger or pride or offence or fear are stirred up, calming down isn’t going to be quick. We should remember always to use our words not to place a stumbling block in his way by provoking him unnecessarily. Key word here is ‘unnecessarily’- some relationships require us to provoke, frighten, reprove, or otherwise distress the other person (something we should remember).
Finally (for today), we must submit what happens to God, not making either ourselves or the other out to be the final say on what happens. Yes, we will both bear some responsibility, whether it goes well or ill, but in the final analysis, God, not we human beings, makes the decision as to what happens. Is it pleasant? Let us rejoice in His blessing. Is it painful? Let us rejoice when disciplined and look forward to joy eternal in His presence. We must remember always that in Him shall justice be done, and in looking at others, we must remember that we are to forgive others as we ourselves were forgiven by Him on the cross, in honoring of His perfect sacrifice (1 Cor. 5:7). In Him too we are brothers with all of His people, and in Him we know that even the wicked man of today can become by His grace our brother on the morrow.
God bless.
Written by Colson Potter
Sanctuary Functional Medicine, under the direction of Dr Eric Potter, IFMCP MD, provides functional medicine services to Nashville, Middle Tennessee and beyond. We frequently treat patients from Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Ohio, Indiana, and more... offering the hope of healthier more abundant lives to those with chronic illness.
