Proverbs 17:9 ESV
Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
[https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+17%3A9&version=ESV]
Relationships are complicated, it turns out. Take two people, multiply their issues by each other, overlap their peculiarities, interface their schedules, add in their other relationships, and it quickly becomes clear that gears are going to grind together, that work is required to maintain closeness, that the blessing of friendship (of romance, of familial love, of comradery) survive the days and weeks and months and years only by care and the grace of God- the deeper the relationship, the greater the grace to keep it, the greater the grace of its keeping. Thus, Proverbs speaks to this essential topic, giving us the wisdom of God Himself as to how to keep these most valuable parts of our lives. We ask, therefore: what does this verse say about relationship? How does ‘repeating a matter’ separate ‘close friends’? What is it to cover an offense? How can it be done rightly, that love may truly be found (not merely its facsimile)?
To take the latter half of the verse first, let’s answer that first question: why does a repeated ‘matter’ cause a broken relationship? For that matter, what is a ‘matter’? The word here translated ‘matter’ is connected to the idea of speech, and if we think through what ‘repeated’ speech can cause issues, we can come up with all sorts of examples. Repeated offense, repeated arguments, repeated manipulation, repeated reminders of old injury, speech (or speech-related things, communication) that opens a wound over and over and over. Like picking at a scab, each time a little deeper or from a different angle, until the whole limb is stripped of skin, oozing and bloody.
This can be a repeated guilt-trip, an old offense used to manipulate. This can be an argument one person never took quite seriously but which becomes over time a breeding ground for resentment- the one person unwilling (or unable) to get the other person to understand that this matters, the other recognizing that something is wrong but never going down to the root of the matter. This can be a bad habit, a carelessness or an addiction or a petulance or a disregard for counsel, which crops up over and over, driving friends apart. The possibilities are as many as you can think of and more.
The solution may seem to be ‘covering an offense,’ and this might seem to be the advice of this verse, if we’re hasty. After all, covering an offense brings love, love is good, and therefore covering an offense is good. Right? Well, not so hasty: covering an offense ‘seeks’ love- never does this verse promise the search will be successful. So let us ask: what does covering an offense mean? What does it do?
There’s an easy solution to any interpersonal issue, big or small, new or old, easy at least for the vast majority of people at some point. That solution? Ignore it, paper it over, pretend it isn’t happening, lie. ‘No, I’m not hurt that you forgot,’ ‘Why would you think that was an issue?’, ‘No problem,’ and ‘I guess he doesn’t have a real problem, right?’ These are tempting solutions. We can offer them to others, offer to pretend. We can try and enforce them, avoid issues by hook or crook. We can find that another tries to pretend- and see how tempting it is. Why shouldn’t we just, well, forget about it?
Proverbs 19:11 points us to a critical distinction, saying, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Notice here, in this instruction to forgiveness, that no instruction to forget is given. God does not call us to lie about injuries, about history, about His decree for the past, when we forgive. No, forgiveness is to set aside guilt, as God does, imitating Him (Matt. 6:12) in acknowledgement that He forgave us, that He atoned (Is. 53:12) for His people’s evil (and will punish that of His foes (Is. 13:9)). We do not cover up offenses; we forgive them.
This forgiveness, then, does not mean forgetfulness. Further, God calls us to seek reconciliation with our brother (Matt. 5:24), with those we have relationship with, and often this means confronting issues. Sometimes no real confrontation is necessary; if my friend pokes me in the eye by accident, the incident is as soon set aside as passed. With bigger, lasting issues, with things that come up over and over (that we bring up over and over), reconciliation is not merely suffering through it. Here, reconciliation means lancing the wound, means considering what in it is truly injurious, what we must forgive, what we must seek forgiveness for, what we can do going forward, how we continue relationship (and if they lack repentance of heart and action, whether it should continue), what should be set aside to the past (committed to God). Here prayer and wise counsel and steeping in the Word and the comfort of the Holy Spirit are all great aids, for it will often be difficult, painful and pain-causing. Yet this is how we must deal with the great wounds in our relationships- not by reiterating them constantly, not by pretending they aren’t there, but by applying God’s wisdom to them to end them rightly.
God bless.
Written by Colson Potter
Sanctuary Functional Medicine, under the direction of Dr Eric Potter, IFMCP MD, provides functional medicine services to Nashville, Middle Tennessee and beyond. We frequently treat patients from Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Ohio, Indiana, and more... offering the hope of healthier more abundant lives to those with chronic illness.
